When I was 18, I remember I thought with quite certainty that I would never be a single mom and I would never have an abortion. Fast forward a few years to 2 weeks after my 25th birthday and me realizing that I was in fact going to be a single mom or have an abortion. I had been feeling off for a couple weeks and then one day out of the blue my best friend said – “dude, I think you are pregnant” I was like “WHAT – that is crazy, we party hard…I just need to give my body a break.” She says, “I have a sense for these things, just take a test.” It took a day or two to finally buy a test, and I thought I should maybe get a few just in case.
At the time, I was a personal trainer working split shift schedule. I would train 5am – 10am and then 4pm – 8pm on a typical day. During my break one day, I finally took the test. I didn’t even finish peeing on the stick and a positive was coming through. My body froze, my heart raced, my breathing shortened, my body got hot, then cold and I started to shake. NO – this simply can not be true. There is no way I am pregnant. I took another test – same result. I took another test – same result. I was, in fact, pregnant.
The next few days were much of a blur. My immediate reaction, based in complete fear, was that I had to have an abortion as there was no way in hell I was going to tell my parents that I was pregnant – out of wedlock, by a man that I never had a second of intention to be with long term. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Since I had been one that has struggled with suicide thoughts since I was 12, suicide seemed like an extremely logical plan to get myself out of this mess. The thing that has always stopped me from actually committing the act is knowing someone would have to find me and I simply could not give someone that level of trauma. While one of my first thoughts was abortion, it took me a good 8 weeks to finally make an appointment for an abortion. When I called, they told me the next appointment was 2 weeks out. Within in this time, God placed many humans in my path that acted of angels on behalf of who is now Taylynn.
Multiple interactions occurred in this short time that made it harder and harder to think of terminating the pregnancy. The final straw, the night before my scheduled abortion, was the tip of the iceberg. At the time I was living with my friend Ryan, and he had season tickets to the Seattle Seahawks. The night before my abortion appointment, he brought me to a Packer/Seahawk – this was supposed to be Brett Favre’s “last game” and it was snowing – in Seattle. Now if you are not familiar with how things go in Seattle with snow – the answer is everything is pretty much shut down with even an inch or two as they don’t have the means to remove it. After a brutal drive home, we walked in the door and another friend of mine just happened to call to tell me that a friend of ours had gone to the doctor and was told it was unlikely she could have more children. I lay there – thinking, I am about to have an abortion and she can’t have more kids….for the love of God, give me a sign (at this point, I was completely oblivious to all the others) After crying and barely sleeping – I woke up to find out that the clinic was closed.
Alright, God – that was a big sign, you literally just shut down a fucking city to save this child that was growing inside of my womb…Got it. I am going to be a single mama. There are plenty more details to share when it comes to all this – but that is not today.
My life plans were completely altered. I was going to have to face the truth and start planning things accordingly. I was now about 12 weeks pregnant. Up to day, the first trimester was horrendous. I experienced a severe depression and couldn’t eat anything but Skittles – my daughter jokes now that that is why she has suck a sweet tooth! I went from 135 pounds to 123 pounds in that first trimester.
Once I came to terms that I was having a baby, I was introduced to The Secret. I watched that and thought – this might be my only pregnancy, so it is time to change my mentality right now and embrace every single second. I dove in on what was growing inside of me. I took care of my body, I fueled it, I worked out, I rested and I finally started feeling good. My skin was clear, my mind was clear and I had a miracle inside of me. Telling people wasn’t yet a thing I was doing and I had no idea how to tell my parents…another story for another day…but I felt good and this little one was going to be my everything.
Fast forward….To June 18th, 2007. I had worked a full day and had a doctors appointment. On the 19th, I had a couple clients and then I was going to spend the rest of the day prepping my body for birth – hair, nails, shave and rest. I believed with every fiber of my being I was giving birth on June 20th. The 18th was a Monday, I bounced in the room and said I was having the baby on Wednesday because I felt things moving, my body was preparing for birth. The doctor told me there is no way that was possible, as there was nothing happening. I was showing no signs of labor and she was adamant that she would see me still pregnant at next week’s appointment. I said that is simply not true, I feel it. I feel different. Things are happening. She told me I was flat out wrong. I went home that night and bawled. I had to have this baby on the 20th. I only so much time off and I only had so much money before I had to work again.
That night, I ended up passing out on a love sac, since I hadn’t been sleeping solid hours of time, my mother and roommate, Anjuli, let me sleep. They said I passed out around 9pm. At 3am, I woke up and thought – 6 hours, that was great and went to the bathroom. I then laid down to go back to bed, no sooner than laying down, I was ready to jump out of bed as I thought I peed – how the fuck did that happen? Pregnancy is a fucking trip sometimes! I got up and discovered, I didn’t pee the bed, my water had just broke. I immediately woke up my roommate and she snuggled in bed with me as we ate nut goodie bars and popsicles as we talked about – holy shit, today is the day. Then around 6am I thought, well I might as well shower and shave for the last time before motherhood.
On June 19th, 2007 I had the most amazing day of my life. I gave birth to my daughter Taylynn Luella Riley. At 7lbs, 10oz and a head full of hair, I met my new world. I loved every second of labor and delivery. I loved the energy of it, how my mind aligned with my body, and how powerful I felt. It was beautiful and amazing as I was supported by Anjuli, my doula, Michelle, and my mother. Also – another story for another day.
The moral of all of this. God has incredible plans for us that far exceed what we believe is possible. An entire city was shut down to save my daughter who saved my life. People smile when I say this, not realizing, I mean 100% she saved my life. I was living in ways before her that would not lead me to my greatest good. She aligned me to my purpose. She has manifested the most incredible things in our world and she inspires me to keep going when the world feels like it is just too much. She is the greatest thing I never knew I needed.
As always, there is plenty more to say about all of this, but this baseline information is valuable in itself. If you would like more information or want to connect with me, feel free to reach out via Facebook, Instagram, email or through my website, AmandaRileyWellness.com. My mission is to empower you with education and healing to ignite your light, so you can shed what no longer serves you and step into the awesomeness of your divine badass self while sharing your unique gifts with love to others for the highest good of all!